The galaxy's most advanced creative agency — reluctantly operating an Earth branch office. We handle strategy, design, and growth for terrestrial clients while remaining, for all legal and social purposes, completely human.
Earth is, technically, one of our smaller regional offices. We do not bring this up in meetings.
It's not because we use Xyxaborgian Quantum-omatic-3000™ technology, stolen from the Beeblebrox Mountain range on a remote planet in the Triangulum Galaxy(don't talk to Terry — he's a liar).
It's because we are just very good at our jobs.
Earth-translationStudies consumer behavior. Watches you, kindly.
operationalEarth-translationWeb & UI team. Makes the screens pleasant.
operationalEarth-translationMarketing & sales. Acquires resources, politely.
operationalEarth-translationAutomation & AI. Bends Tuesdays to our will.
operationalEarth-translationLegal & accounting. Stops us from being noticed.
operationalEarth-translationCopywriting & branding. Generates the feelings.
operationalEarth-translationCustomer success. Helps everyone feel at home here.
operationalEach file has been reviewed in accordance with standard Federation procedure. Two of these files concern matters Legal has asked us not to elaborate on.
An ongoing archive maintained by the Human Studies Division. Findings are observational, peer-reviewed, and — where possible — non-judgmental.
Subjects defend a specific establishment with intensity normally reserved for territory or offspring.
Harmless · Ongoing
The phenomenon is universal. We have stopped searching for the exception. We simply help.
Exploitable (Helpfully) · Confirmed
No subject can explain who, precisely, the applause is for. The pilot cannot hear it.
Delightful · Unresolved
The decision is later made by one human, alone, elsewhere. The meeting was, apparently, still required.
Baffling · OngoingEarth's governments keep declassifying recordings of our staff commuting. As of this month's batch, we remain happy to provide context. Everything below has a perfectly ordinary explanation.
Footage: U.S. Department of Defense / U.S. Navy (public domain), via Wikimedia Commons. Captions: Federation Compliance Office. We stand by them.
We are pleased to announce Earth internet speeds have increased to "acceptable."
After extensive study, we now understand why humans say "let's circle back" instead of simply answering emails.
Staff are reminded that the Neptune office does not exist, was not mentioned, and did not authorize that statement.
Greg has been temporarily suspended pending a review of the footage. The footage is, regrettably, very clear.
A short induction series, required for all personnel before their first Earth assignment. Greg has completed it four times.
We are, however, contractually required to keep a small file. Strictly for awareness.
The Zaborgians still use Wix.
We lost three good interns during the Zaborgian SEO wars.
Their embassy continues to deny the allegations. We have not made any allegations.
Starting prices below. Final build and pricing are determined with our Human Studies team, who have studied your needs extensively and without your knowledge.
To celebrate America's 250th anniversary, our Human Studies team has determined that a true American would increase the price by 250%. *Eagle not included.
No pressure. No abduction. Just a conversation between your company and ours — which is a human company, on Earth, and always has been.
The gift shop is still being assembled — Greg is painting the sign and keeps spelling "Earth" wrong. Here's what's coming. No alien technology was used. Probably.
In loving memory of the brave crew who came down at Roswell in 1947. They only came to help. Heavyweight cotton; back reads simply, "Gone home." A portion of proceeds funds nothing, as we are a very profitable human company.
Laptop-safe certification that no Xyxaborgian technology was involved in your purchase. Settles arguments instantly. Terry requested a bulk order; Compliance denied it.
Select a window below. A human will be present. The connection is encrypted to standard Earth specification.