OBJECT 047ORIGIN: EARTH
A children's ecommerce brand
Rebuilt and redesigned their store for a better shopping experience, modern brand presentation, and long-term growth. No probing involved.
FILE: EARTH-BRANCH // CLEARANCE: PUBLIC // REVIEWED BY FEDERATION COMPLIANCE OFFICE
We are not aliens.
The galaxy's most advanced creative agency, reluctantly operating an Earth branch office. Strategy, design and growth for terrestrial clients — while remaining, for all legal and social purposes, completely human.
REC · EARTH-BRANCH SURVEILLANCE
DEPLOY TIME00:00:03
SPECIESHUMAN?
On the record
Earth is, technically, one of our smaller regional offices. We do not bring this up in meetings.
Why is our software, app and web work so much better than most humanoids'? It's not because we use Xyxaborgian Quantum-omatic-3000™ technology, stolen from the Beeblebrox Mountain range on a remote planet in the Triangulum Galaxy (don't talk to Terry — he's a liar). It's because we are just very good at our jobs.
Federation Compliance Office, for the record: no Xyxaborgian technology was used in the making of this software. Audit pending. Terry has been asked to stop sending emails about it.
“I WAS THERE. I SAW THE QUANTUM-OMATIC-3000 WITH MY OWN [REDACTED] EYES. THE BEEBLEBROX RANGE IS REAL AND THEY DO NOT WANT YOU TO KNOW. ASK ME ABOUT ARIZONA. I HAVE EMAILS. I HAVE A WHOLE FOLDER. NOBODY EVER LISTENS TO TERRY.”— TERRY
Statement retracted · Federation Compliance Office · Terry has been given a sticker and asked to go home.
The divisions that make it look effortless.
Earth-translation provided for terrestrial clients.
- DIV·01Human Studies DivisionResearch & UX — studies consumer behaviour. Watches you, kindly.
- DIV·02Atmospheric Design UnitWeb & UI — makes the screens pleasant.
- DIV·03Interplanetary Revenue SystemsMarketing & sales — acquires resources, politely.
- DIV·04Temporal Optimization TeamAutomation & AI — bends Tuesdays to our will.
- DIV·05Federation Compliance OfficeLegal & accounting — stops us from being noticed.
- DIV·06Emotional Simulation DivisionCopywriting & branding — generates the feelings.
- DIV·07Earth Adaptation TeamCustomer success — helps everyone feel at home here.
CERTIFIED HUMAN-MADE · NO ALIEN TECH · 100% HUMAN · CERTIFIED HUMAN-MADE · NO ALIEN TECH · 100% HUMAN
14
Average idea → production, in Earth days
Suspiciously fast delivery. The Temporal Optimization Team bends Tuesdays to our will.
BRIEFDESIGNAPPROVEBUILDSHIPSHIPPED.
Earth casework · declassified for viewing
We'd tell you it was aliens. But it was us.
OBJECT 048ORIGIN: EARTH
A North America ecommerce company
Built their online presence from the ground up and ran affiliate infrastructure to expand reach and partner-driven growth.
OBJECT 049ORIGIN: EARTH
A US plumbing franchise network
Developed and managed franchise-specific stores and digital infrastructure for localized operations and customer acquisition.
OBJECT 050ORIGIN: EARTH
A startup & innovation studio
Designed and developed their public-facing website and online presence to better communicate brand, services, and portfolio.
Declassified sightings · officially explained
Yes, the footage is real. No, it's not what you think.
Earth's governments keep declassifying recordings of our staff commuting. Everything below has a perfectly ordinary explanation.
// FRAME WITHHELD //
IR · WHTREC ●
ALT 25,0000.74 MACH
[ DECLASSIFIED ] · CASE GIMBAL
"That's just my ex, Lisa. She still owes me $40."
FILED BY: ATMOSPHERIC RELATIONS
// FRAME WITHHELD //
IR · BLKREC ●
RNG 4.3 NM434 KTS
[ DECLASSIFIED ] · CASE GO FAST
"This is why we don't let Terry drive."
FILED BY: FLEET SAFETY (TERRY-RELATED)
// FRAME WITHHELD //
IR · ATFLIRREC ●
ALT 20,0000.61 MACH
[ DECLASSIFIED ] · CASE FLIR1
"Greg. Late for the 9 a.m. all-hands. Again."
FILED BY: HUMAN RESOURCES
// FRAME WITHHELD //
EO · MQ-9REC ●
SPHERENO HEAT SIG
[ DECLASSIFIED ] · CASE ORB
"Scheduled lunch delivery. Please do not engage."
FILED BY: FACILITIES & CATERING
Footage: U.S. Navy / DoD (public domain). Captions: Federation Compliance Office. We stand by them.
Personnel files · vetted, mostly
The humans in charge.
Each file reviewed per standard Federation procedure. Two concern matters Legal has asked us not to elaborate on.
FILE PHOTO · STANDARD IDLEVEL THREE
Diwakar "Dew" Mishra
Director, Earth Branch
- Status
- Fully operational
- Human accent
- Convincing
- Emotional range
- Within tolerance
- Last incident
- None on record
FILE PHOTO · CLOAKING OFFLEVEL THREE
Danny
Head of Atmospheric Relations
- Status
- Mostly cooperative
- Human accent
- Improving
- Emotional range
- Under review
- Last incident
- ██████
PHOTO · REDACTEDUNDER SUPERVISION
Greg
Senior Anything, Several Divisions
- Status
- Enthusiastic. Concerning.
- Earth adaptation
- Poor. Keeps mentioning Neptune office.
- Human accent
- Lapses into fluent dolphin
- Last incident
- Appeared, again, in UFO footage
PHOTO · REDACTEDCLEARANCE REVOKED
Terry
████████
- Server access
- No longer has server access
- Arizona incident
- We do not discuss the Arizona Incident
- Last incident
- Redacted
Note from Legal: we have been advised to stop mentioning Terry.
Human Studies database · field archive
Things we have learned about humans.
4318 studies on file · declassified for viewing
HUMAN STUDY #771
Humans become irrationally loyal to breakfast restaurants.
They defend a specific establishment with intensity normally reserved for territory or offspring.
HUMAN STUDY #992
No Earth business owner understands SEO. Including SEO companies.
The phenomenon is universal. We have stopped searching for the exception. We simply help.
HUMAN STUDY #44
Humans clap when planes land, despite not participating.
No subject can explain who, precisely, the applause is for. The pilot cannot hear it.
HUMAN STUDY #218
Humans schedule meetings to decide when to schedule meetings.
The decision is later made by one human, alone, elsewhere. The meeting was, apparently, still required.
Corporate announcements · official record
From the Earth Branch, with pleasure.
- EB·0114
Earth internet speeds have increased to "acceptable."
— Atmospheric Design Unit - EB·0231
After extensive study, we now understand why humans say "let's circle back" instead of simply answering emails.
— Human Studies Division - EB·0309
Staff are reminded that the Neptune office does not exist, was not mentioned, and did not authorize that statement.
— Federation Compliance Office - EB·0400
Greg has been temporarily suspended pending a review of the footage. The footage is, regrettably, very clear.
— Federation Compliance Office
Field training · mandatory for new arrivals
How to blend in.
- MOD·01
Earth handshake protocols
Grip firmly. Release promptly. Do not absorb.
- MOD·02
Networking events
Hold one beverage. Nod. Ask "so what do you do?"
- MOD·03
Human brunch culture
It is breakfast, but defiant, and later.
- MOD·04
Advanced small talk: the weather
Acknowledge the weather. Do not attempt to change it.
Greg has completed the induction series four times.
Engagement tariffs · terrestrial currency accepted
What it costs to work with humans.
Final scope & quote are set with our Human Studies team, who have studied your needs extensively and without your knowledge.
Start here
Design phase
from $5k
Where every project starts. Design-first — you approve every screen before we build. Built by humans who care (allegedly).
Initiate contactMost popular
MVP engagements
from $15k
Full-stack SaaS & web apps, front to back. Built to scale across at least one planet. Suspiciously fast delivery.
Talk to humansMost projects land between these depending on scope. No surprises, no alien math.
Let's do normal human business together.
No pressure. No abduction. Just a conversation between your company and ours — which is a human company, on Earth, and always has been.
[ transmission detected ]